Don’t Ever Look Back

Boniface Evarist

I have been blogging for a while, and I find myself constantly changing the topic and layout, deleting all of my posts, and giving up hope that my blogging hobby will ever be a success.

My style is kind of obsessive and compulsive with a lot of things. I have rigid rules with myself and some aspects of my life. In terms of my blogging, I always used to force myself to post so many times a day, on this specific topic, at this time of day, and I can’t give up or I’m a failure in my writing, I think you get the picture.

I was thinking to myself how I absolutely love blogging and could never give it up, yet part of me wanted to just say that I was done. I always talk about how I want to make a new beginning for myself each time and then something changes and my attempt at a new beginning fails. That makes me feel like a failure and a worthless being.

I look at my friends’ blogs and they are so easy going with their writing style. They don’t have those specific blogging rules like I do. I envy that somewhat. I’m a strong believer that if something isn’t working in life for you, you should try your hardest to change it in some way, no matter how big or small, to get to that level of stability. Writing is something that I’ve enjoyed for a long time. I was actually going to switch my college major from Computer Science to professional writing.

After talking to my Computer Science adviser, he kind of convinced me to stay with my major because writing is more of a hobby for me that I never, ever want to lose. It would seem like too much of a chore to me if I did it every day, all day, and for money no less. I want to break that chains with my obsessive writing style and enjoy the whole aspect a little more.

Writing is my release and it doesn’t matter at all if I write once a day, once a week, or three times a day, as long as it comes from my heart and I am inspired at the time. I’m not going to go into this long, drawn out introduction about who I am and what I’m doing with my life and all of that stuff. Your job if you read my blog is learning about me in the process and hopefully learning from my successes, mistakes, and words of wisdom for lack of a better word.

What I will describe is the title of my blog. I change the title of my blog a lot, just like I said I change the layout, style, and topic. This one seems to be a keeper though. I was walking across campus tonight from my very last class of the semester. I had just texted my one friend and was walking to go get some food at the convenience store. I got a text message from an anonymous number.

I had recently deleted a lot of numbers from my phone of people who honestly were just bringing me down in life. I can come back to that later I guess. I assumed that this was one of those numbers and hit delete, saying to myself “don’t ever look back, don’t ever look back” and continued walking across campus in the dark. Then another message came up saying who it was. In fact, it was my ex girlfriend who I had broken up with about two months ago.

Out of the kindness of my heart, I replied to the message assuming something was wrong. When she texted me back she said that he just wanted to say hi and see how I was doing. When I got the message, I immediately reminded myself, yet again, “don’t ever look back, don’t ever look back” and deleted it again. This lady was, as always, persistent, and texted me again asking how I was. I couldn’t just keep deleting the messages at that point.

I felt almost like the next step was to stand up for myself. I told her that I was doing fine and asked if she could please leave me alone. She sent me another message and I just said goodbye, “don’t ever look back, don’t ever look back” which I know is getting redundant but that’s the point that I want to stress here.

Life is too short to fill your mind wondering what would have happened or could have happened. Life is full of enjoyment if you look at the things that make you smile. I was walking across campus after putting my phone back in my purse when I got a whistle from some gal coming out of this building. Not like the ‘hey you’ one but rather they ‘hey you’re superb’ whistle.

All I could do was smile and watch as she followed behind me until I turned to go to the parking lot. Life is also full of pain. I have a sinus infection right now, so when I did get home I ended up with a moderately high fever and the feeling that I was going to pass out. This was an all too familiar feeling, but I haven’t had it in awhile.

It’s always scary when you’re walking around about to pass out, and when you have tingling in your legs on top of that. I talked to my mom and did the logical things. I weighed myself. I am recovered from my eating disorder, which means I don’t weigh myself unless I need to for my doctor. My weight was low, just on the border of where I ‘need to be’ but not dangerous or low enough that it would really explain why I was about to pass out.

Honestly, that number is just a number. It doesn’t define my worth or value by any means. I tried to take my pulse and it was so hard to feel my heart beat, at my wrist and even at my chest. My pulse and blood pressure tend to be all over the place. When I have a lot of anxiety, it is very much above the limit.

I’ve had times where it’s been dangerously low. For awhile I’ve been to the stage where, with the help of my low blood pressure medication, it pretty much stays in the normal limit. Tonight, my pulse was pretty much right in the middle of that range. I guessed that either my blood sugar or blood pressure had to be low then. What I decided to do was lay down until I felt better.

I ended up falling asleep, which is why I’m still awake right now. I don’t have any work due tomorrow for college anyway because I only have one class that day. When I woke up I was feeling a lot better. I had to take my antibiotics at that time anyway, so I had my mom grab me some food. When my blood pressure is low, I need salt. When my blood sugar is low, I need sugar. I ate an individual bag of potato chips, took my medicine, and then ate a chocolate candy bar, all while drinking Gatorade.

I’m feeling so much better right now. Last night, too, I was losing a lot of hope. I started feeling really, really depressed. It was back to me thinking how ‘no one understands’ and ‘I’m not really worth anything’ and all that sort of stuff. This lady who I’ve kind of been interested in is an old acquittance from high school. He’s been totally ignoring me. That alone makes me feel worthless, yet on top of that, some lady I dated for awhile friend requested me on Facebook. At first I hit the ‘not now’ button. When I signed online on my laptop, his name was still there. It made me think that ‘at least she was thinking of me’ and ‘at least she noticed when I deleted my old account’ so I added him.

We weren’t much more than friends, so in my mind me adding him would be more acceptable than the lady who texted me earlier. We were in a relationship for two and a half years. That adds to it, a lot. At this point, I’m just relieved that I’m almost done college for the semester.

I have a lot of stuff planned this Summer with my family and friends. I have to plan and schedule programming things ahead of time because it really helps my depression when I know that I have ‘something’ to do. As nice as it would be to have a Summer romance, I know that I have my family, my friends, and my head on my shoulders.
I’m still holding out hope that she’s not totally ignoring me, but I’m realizing that I don’t need any kind of relationship with a lady to base my happiness on. Time heals all wounds, hopefully.

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